When someone asks us “Are we having fun yet?” it’s generally said with a sarcastic tone during a time when we are struggling or facing some sort of challenges. But I am not being facetious here. I am asking you this question in all seriousness. “Are we having fun yet?”
You may be thinking, how dare she ask about fun now? In the middle of a global pandemic? When we are stressed to the max, trying to work with our kids doing school from home? With people I know and love getting sick and dying? Not knowing when life will resemble anything that we used to call “normal”?
That’s exactly why I’m asking you about whether you and your family are having fun. Evidence from science of happiness is clear that no matter what personal or global strife we are going through, it’s vital to our wellbeing that we have fun. That we make sure we spend time playing. To plan activities and experiences that we enjoy, regardless of the grief, sadness, frustration, or general malaise we may be feeling during difficult times.
We know from child development experts as well as from our own observations that play is important for healthy neurological and social development. But we may not be aware that playing and engaging in fun activities helps adults thrive as well. That’s the case even at times when life presents inevitably stressful situations, including illness, death of a loved one, divorce or separation. As George Bernard Shaw famously said, “We don’t stop playing because we get old. We get old because we stop playing.”
Dr. Michael Rucker, a “fun” researcher, recently told happiness author Tamara Lechner, in her Happiness Reset podcast, about a year in his life when he experienced a personal health crisis as well as the unexpected loss of his brother. Despite being in an emotionally low place, he asked, “When we are in a space where happiness is just not appropriate at that time, do we just have to submit to depression or can we still have pleasurable experiences?” This prompted him to study fun, and how we can intentionally inject playful activities into our lives no matter our age.
Recently I had a conversation with Dr. Barbara Colombo, a psychologist who specializes in creativity. She told me about a research study she did at the beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic when many communities in the U.S. were in lockdown. She wondered how playing could make a difference in the lives of grandparents and their grandchildren. And she found that when families engaged in simple games or creative activities together during this time, even online, they felt less stressed and happier. Being creative also boosted their resilience and overall life satisfaction.
So how might we use these insights during times of heightened angst? How might families make sure they are playing and having fun despite continuously changing circumstances?
Here are a couple of things to consider:
1. Don’t force yourself to have fun - that takes all the fun out of it!
We each have fun in different ways, and at different times. What may be fun for me may not be the same for other members of my family or household. Sometimes we don’t feel like having fun in the same way all the time.
Some of us prefer what psychologists call “high arousal” activities pleasurable (e.g., listening to loud rock music), while others like to have “low arousal” fun (e.g., reading a good book).
A friend told me about her grandson who has never been happier, having to learn remotely from home. Since the beginning of the pandemic, he has relished staying home and watching science videos, which he finds the most fun of all. He’s relieved not to have to play little league baseball, which he finds more stressful than pleasurable. His sister, a dancer, must be moving to music in order to have fun. But they both enjoy family card game nights.
2. Don’t pressure yourself to be creative - that’ll only increase your stress level!
There are many ways to be creative. We don’t have to feel pressure to be creative geniuses like Michelangelo or Beethoven, or to produce an original piece of art, music or creative writing. Rather, it’s the process of being creative that benefits us. When I heard Dr. Colombo explain how just doing an everyday task or activity from a fresh perspective was a creative process, I immediately felt released from the pressure of having to produce an original masterpiece.
For example, in her study, some of the participants began sitting in a different chair everyday. This simple act made them look at their house in different ways, and sparked a creative process where they began to have new ideas about how they could change things in their home, and as a result became less depressed. Other families had fun creating and sending cards to connect with their loved ones, instead of sending texts or posting photos on Instagram.
For parents who feel stressed about having to play with their kids, in addition to all of their other responsibilities and pressures from work and other family members, “reframing” or taking another perspective on how they look at play, might free them up to have more fun with their kids when they do play together.
3. Don’t worry that you’re not having enough fun - you have enough to worry about!
There’s no optimal level of fun, but making sure we do make time to play and be creative is important for everyone. Especially during this time when we have limits on what activities are safe, and we are restricted in our travel outside our homes or communities.
It may sound counterintuitive, but planning to have fun and scheduling our creative activities actually increases our happiness levels and can lift our spirits. Not only does it give us something to look forward to, but it can connect us to those who we are going to play with.
Dr. Rucker suggests adopting a “vacation mindset” for the weekend, or days that you choose to designate as devoted to fun activities. Dr. Colombo’s research says that when we are planning our fun, the sheer process of planning, the exchange of ideas, imagining ourselves enjoying ourselves is itself a creative process that boosts our positive emotions.
So next time someone asks you, “Are we having fun yet?” you can respond “Yes we are. Are you?”